


All This and Heaven

by AMillionYearsForWhat



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: All The Ships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, During Pentagon Maker, Eliminations, M/M, Pentagon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-02-24 09:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13210956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMillionYearsForWhat/pseuds/AMillionYearsForWhat
Summary: Pentagon Maker was the best thing to ever happen to him, he decided, until it became the worst.[hiatus]





	1. The Text

**Author's Note:**

> Focus may change between chapters! I'm trying to keep a third-person POV right now, but it may switch up! I'll try to signal any changes!  
> This is my first fanfic in so, so long, and it's my first for Pentagon. If I get anything incorrect factually, just let me know! If it gets too complicated, I'll try to help simplify it. Thank you for reading!!! Feedback is always appreciated <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is pretty much just an introduction to the series, which is why it's so short. I don't think this series will be too long, but I'll try to divide it up well! Thank you for reading!

Changgu hated feeling like this.

The bottomless pit in his stomach didn’t form as a result of his own possible elimination. He quickly realized after Shinwon was cut that the pain of elimination didn’t only affect one of them. It was over two days before the nine of them spoke to each other again, and even then, they spoke in whispers. The air seemed to absorb all of their worry, the buzzing in the back of their minds, the guilt - and it was suffocating. Even when Hui spoke to them about staying strong, about how it was necessary to make it to debut - no one really felt it. Without Shinwon, they were already incomplete. None of them dared to say it out loud, but it was something they had realized the morning after. Without all ten of them, there was no Pentagon.

Hongseok couldn’t leave his room without crying. He had been open about his anxiety disorder with the members, but refused to do anything to bring attention to it. He said it over and over again. _I can’t lose you guys. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I ca-_ until finally Hyojong had his own episode as a result. Dorm B had to switch around roommates; Hui took Hyojong into his room, knowing he was the only one who could calm the younger boy after his now recurring nightmares. Hyunggu isolated himself, but they knew they couldn’t let Hongseok stay alone. Jinho took Hongseok into his room in Dorm A, and the crying eventually slowed down. The quiet could have been worse than the constant crying, Changgu decided. That’s the thing with silence. It always bursts eventually. 

“Hongseok-hyung, please hurry up! I’ve got to use the bathroom, too!” Wooseok cried, knocking on the bathroom door repeatedly. 

“Wooseok, he just got in the shower. You can’t rush him,” Jinho tried to explain, but he couldn’t have expected what came next. 

“Why did he have to come here anyway? We have six people trying to live in this dorm now. It was hard enough with five,” the maknae complained. Jinho tried to subdue the immediate anger that rose in his chest, his breathing suddenly less steady.

“You know why he came here, Wooseok. Don’t be selfish,” Jinho didn’t succeed in hiding his anger, and Wooseok quickly matched Jinho’s mood.

“Selfish? When we came onto Pentagon Maker, we knew the risk of elimination. We knew that there were going to be cuts. Why is everyone acting like this was such a shock?” Wooseok fired back, but he knew he was just trying to convince himself. 

Jinho held back his anger, opening the door to the bathroom, slamming the door in Wooseok’s face. Hongseok had collapsed in the shower again, leaving Jinho to pick the sobbing boy up, his soaked clothes just an afterthought. When Jinho opened the bathroom door, holding onto an inconsolable Hongseok, Wooseok had retreated into his bedroom. Jinho hushed the younger boy as he closed his eyes and inhaled shakily, “Shh, it’s okay. Let’s get you dressed.” 

\-----

Wooseok sat on his bed and lifted his phone up, hoping that Yuto was still sleeping across the room. He unlocked his phone, the Messages opening up. “I miss you” was on his screen in a grey bubble. There was no blue bubble after it. He wanted to throw his phone, to punch something - _anything_ \- to scream and fight and yell until he could change it.  
Until he could bring him back. 

\-----

"Changgu, it's time to get up. Why are you being so lazy lately?" The boys had been getting onto Changgu for sleeping in too much. None of them realized he had been awake, only not wanting to see the others.  
Not wanting to see who else they would lose.


	2. Metaphor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the past few days, I've been kind of upset because no one is updating. I then realized, "Hey. You have two fanfictions to keep up with now. You haven't updated either."
> 
> And I feel bad.  
> Here's chapter two.
> 
> Is it too clunky with five POVs? I'm not sure how to get the format going. I'll figure it out. Bear with me!

Hongseok opens his eyes, not entirely sure where he’s lying. The last thing he remembered was getting in the shower - then nothing. He remembers a whisper, a soft “I’ve got you”, but he couldn’t place the voice in his hysterical state. The dark room seemed too still, too _quiet_ , the buzz of silence ringing his ears. It made him feel alone, overwhelmed, the walls quickly closing in on him. The door cracked, a beam of light spilling in the room. Jinho’s head peeked in, his features softened by the dim light behind him. “You awake?” 

He must’ve seen the look on Hongseok’s face because he soon was inside, “I’m going to turn on the light, okay?” 

“No, please don’t,” Hongseok managed to breathe out, “I don’t want you to see me.”  
A deep sigh seemed to echo from across the room, and after that, nothing. Hongseok began to think Jinho hadn’t actually entered the room as silence settled over them. 

“Jinho?”

“Yes, Hongie?”

“Will you hold me?”

The silence returned between them. Hongseok’s stomach knotted up, immediately regretting that he let the words leave his mouth. Maybe Jinho had sensed the desperation in his voice. Maybe he heard how Hongseok’s voice shook as he released the only thought he had in his head - he wanted Jinho’s arms around him. He wanted Jinho in the way flowers want water. It’s less of a choice and more of a necessity. 

No words traveled from across the room. Hongseok couldn’t breathe. He fucked up, and he fucked it up with the one relationship he never wanted to lose. Hongseok’s own thoughts drowned out everything, able to hear the blood rushing in his ears, and he’s about to cry when there’s a pair of arms around his middle, Hongseok’s ear resting against a chest, too shocked to notice the elevated heart rate. Jinho gives him a small hush.

“You think too much.”  
\--  
“Dude, why are you staring at the wall like it killed your best friend?” 

Wooseok blinked after a few seconds, for the first time in what seemed hours, “I’m not.” 

Yuto scoffed, swinging his legs over the side of his bed, sinking into the mattress, “Okay, Wooseok. You’re not upset about something, Santa is real, and I’m a millionaire. You can say it all you want, but that doesn’t make it true. Don’t ever think you can lie to me.”

Wooseok gave Yuto a glare, but Yuto had his eyes closed, a small smirk on his face. 

“For someone trying to sleep, you talk an awful lot,” Wooseok threw a pillow at the other bed, hitting Yuto in the face. The older boy stirred immediately, scrunching his eyebrows at Wooseok.

“I’m just trying to help, Seokkie. You can’t be mad at me for pointing out the obvious. There’s something bothering you.  
Is this because of Shinwon?”

Wooseok felt his heart sink, as if falling to the bottom of the ocean, deeper and deeper until the pressure made it hard to breathe. No one had mentioned Shinwon since the night he left, and Wooseok preferred it that way. He was convincing himself that was true. 

“I don’t understand why everyone is so upset about it,” Wooseok mumbles. 

_It’s not like you were in love with him._

“Wooseok, the ten of us make the group. Please tell me I’m not the only one who understands that. Pentagon has to have ten members.”

And Wooseok wishes he could believe it, but he’s had the man of his dreams ripped from him. He can’t even answer his texts, but he still waits for the messages. He pictures Shinwon’s frown on the other end, his lips pulled back between his teeth, trying not to cry. It hurts, Wooseok thinks. He decides he never wants to fall in love again. 

—

Hyojong had just gotten back to sleep when he finds himself on a stage. He’s outside, and there’s a circular wall surrounding the stage. Dots line the walls in neat rows, loud cheers made his ears ring. Hyojong felt an itch at his shoulder, then one at his waist. Looking down, his eyes saw a scratchy, brown material covering his figure, roughly two sizes too big. The cheers were too close to be from speakers, he suddenly realized. He raised his arm to cover the sunlight, squinting to scan the walls. 

People.  
The dots were people.

Hyojong nervously scans his surroundings. Big circular opening, people lining the levels. It’s a stadium.  
The Colosseum. 

A loud crash from behind him startled him; Hyojong turned to face the gate as it lifted open. He saw the eyes before anything else; the lion must have been starved for this exact purpose.

Hyojong knew then he was going to die.

The lion crept slowly, staying low in the shadow against the wall. Hyojong squints again, trying to locate the predator. It isn’t until he hears the crowd gasp when he turns ninety degrees to the left to see the animal sprinting at him. 

There was something else, though. The animal had a goat’s head protruding from its back, and its tail ended with a snake head.

A chimera. 

Hyojong knew they weren’t real. They were Greek mythological characters, and he was in a Roman colosseum. 

It didn’t make sense.

He had just watched a documentary on the Greeks and Romans.

It has to be a dream.

“Wake up,” Hyojong says to himself, the creature eyeing him as he sprints.

“Wake up, Hyojong, it’s just a dream,” he tells himself, slightly less composed than earlier.

“It’s a dream! It’s a dream, please, wake up, wake up. You’re going to open your eyes and Hui’s going to be there. He’ll take care of you. It isn’t real.”

Hyojong is still yelling at himself to wake up when the chimera pounces.  
—-  
“You’ve been distant.”

Changgu hears the words from under his bunk, but doesn’t acknowledge they exist. A moment of silence passes, then the bed below him creaks. Yanan’s head pops up over the side of Changgu’s bed. “You’re just proving my point by not saying anything.” 

Changgu turns to face Yanan, sighing as their eyes met, “I can’t keep anything from you, can I?”

“No, you really can’t. Scoot over.”

Changgu hates himself for immediately sitting up and moving across his bed so Yanan can climb in. They had done this twice before, the night they first roomed together and the night they found out it was a survival show. 

That first night, Yanan had fallen asleep with his head in the other boy’s lap. Changgu was grateful that Yanan couldn’t see the blush on his face when he realized they had been talking till 5 AM. 

_I’m scared,_ Yanan had admitted, _I left my home, my family, everything for this. I have nothing._  
Changgu didn’t really intend to, especially not on the night they had just met, but he wrapped his arms around the Chinese boy, pulling his back against his own chest, “You have me, at least. I know it isn’t much, but I will do my best to make sure you are never alone again.”

The night they were told it was a survival show, they were silent in their dorm. This understanding came over them, _We’re not safe. We could lose each other._  
Yanan didn’t have to voice his nerves. Changgu knew. That’s why, he told himself, he crawled into bed with Yanan, holding him from behind, his forehead on the back of Yanan’s neck, _I’m going to protect you._ That was all that was said that night. That was all that needed to be said.  
They were now facing each other, Changgu holds out his hands on the blanket, where Yanan quickly fills them with his own. It was dark, but the streetlight outside cut through the blinds, an orange stripe across Yanan’s face. Changgu wishes he could stop thinking about this, about how beautiful Yanan is at all times. _You could lose him,_ and that’s all it takes for his butterflies to scatter. 

“You can talk to me, Changgie. You know this.” 

“I can’t, though, Yanan. I can’t think about losing you. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you. You’re my muse.”

Changgu can feel the blush before he realizes what he’s said, and Yanan’s giving him that look. It’s a look between them, a look that just knows. _I understand you._  
“You don’t think that you’re mine?”

Changgu almost attempts eye-contact, but instead finds his eyes staring at Yanan’s lips, “I don’t know why I would be.”

A smile forms on the Chinese boy’s face, “Probably for the same reason I’m yours. Whatever that reason is.”  
It takes everything in Changgu’s power not to kiss him, as he looks down at their entwined hands. He could feel the smile still taunting him.

“You’ve smiled so much lately, even though no one else is. Why?”

“Well, I have you. You said you’d protect me, right? So we’ll always be together. What is there to be worried about? You’re my lifelong friend.”

The words jolt Changgu, who remembers his promise and thinks about how easily they could be torn apart.  
“Of course we’ll always be together,” he nods, trying to convince himself that he could magically make all ten of them debut together - trying to convince himself that he could save Yanan, “nothing can tear us apart.”

In his heart, he knows it’s true: nothing could ever rip Yanan away from him. They’re going to be together forever. His brain knows better, though. They’ll have to work harder than ever.


	3. Understanding in a Car Crash

Hyojong is startled by Hwitaek shaking his shoulders, choking back tears as he brokenly yells, “Oh god, wake up, Hyojong. Please. Please wake up for me.”

The sight of Hyojong’s eyes is enough to satisfy Hui, who collapses and lets his head rest on the left side of Hyojong’s chest, his words spilling out so fast that Hyojong couldn’t keep up, “I couldn’t wake you up. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t save you. Oh _god_ , Hyojongie, your _screams_ ,”

Hyojong knows that Hwitaek has always carried the burden between them; he keeps the younger boy’s nightmares at bay. Hui wakes him up when he’s sobbing in his sleep. He never thought about the pain that Hwitaek must face by being strong enough for the two of them. He’d never seen Hui cry, nothing like this, and he couldn’t handle it - the guilt that comes with depending on someone else for stability. Hui always smiled at him when Hyojong finally woke up, but he couldn’t this time.

Hyojong doesn’t even think before he wraps his arms around Hwitaek, even more of his own tears falling down his cheeks as he encircles Hui. He pulls the blanket over the two of them, Hui’s eyelashes tickling Hyojong’s bare chest. Hyojong’s right hand comes around to pull Hui closer to him, the younger boy settling his head against the other’s. 

“I’m awake. It’s okay; I’m awake. We’re together, and everything is okay.”

Hui’s whimpers grow softer, his hand curled against his cheek as his breath begins to grow steady. 

Hyojong takes a second to breathe it in; watching Hwitaek fall asleep was his new favorite form of art. 

With his slightly free arm, Hyojong grabs his cell phone from his bedside, the phone immediately recognizing its use and lighting up the lockscreen. His eyes scanned the picture of the ten of them after the first episode of Pentagon Maker. A bright “3:02” lit up the top of the screen, and as soon as his thumb was placed, access was granted.

His fingers type the word before he can remember why he’s looking it up.

_The Chimera was, according to Greek mythology, a monstrous fire-breathing hybrid creature of Lycia in Asia Minor, composed of the parts of more than one animal._

_The seeing of a Chimera was an omen for disaster._

Hyojong never believed in omens. Then again, he never believed in angels, either.  
And there was one lying in his arms.   
He sets the phone down, the alarm scheduled to go off in two hours. Absent-mindedly, he kisses Hui’s forehead. This is the first time they’ve cuddled like this, but Hyojong decides to make sure it isn’t the last.

\--

“Why can’t you get this line down?”  
Yanan avoids his face, his jaw locked as he finds something on the wall to soak up his attention.

“Yanan, answer me. Why can’t you get this? It’s a pretty simple run. I know you can do-”

“It isn’t about the run,” Yanan cuts him off, still avoiding his direction. The sigh that comes from Changgu’s mouth drips with concern, _disappointment_ , and it hits Yanan in the chest. Stepping in front of Yanan so he couldn’t completely avoid him, Changgu speaks, “Then what is it?”

“The pronunciation,” Yanan says weakly, his eyes incapable of meeting Changgu’s, “I can’t get the pronunciation down.”

“Yanan, how about you listen to me say it?” 

“I have, Changgie. I just can’t get my mouth to make the right sounds.”

“Yannie, eliminations are coming up. You have to work harder.”

“Don’t you think I’m trying?” Yanan slips into his native Chinese with the anguish-filled question, “I’m trying my best, and nothing is good enough. At no point during this show have I been good enough, and I’m sick of being the last. Always the last. I’m trying my best. And it means nothing.”

Changgu can’t quite understand all the words, but he understands the emotion. He takes a step forward, his head lying against Yanan’s chest. Changgu tightens his arms around him. 

“I know you’re working hard, Yananie. Please don’t think I don’t understand that.”

“I don’t know what more I can do,” Yanan whispers, trying to avoid tears as he rests his head against Changgu’s, “you know I left everything for this.”

Changgu can’t stop the tears from leaving Yanan’s eyes, and it _destroys_ him, “We’ll practice more every day. We’ll break our comfort zones. I’m going to do everything I can to protect you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Changgu makes his promise with a hitch in his voice, unsure of why he feels so conflicted. Yes, of course they love each other. They’re best friends. That’s what he tells himself as Yanan cries into Changgu’s hair. That’s what he tells himself as he holds Yanan even closer, matching his tears.  
\--

Hongseok lies in bed longer than he’s really supposed to, almost definitely going to be late for vocal practice, but Jinho’s focus isn’t on the alarm clock. It’s on the bags under Hongseok’s eyes. The light that’s usually present in his gaze seems evaporated. He was alive, but not as alive as he had been. 

“Hongie, we should go exercise.”

Hongseok doesn’t stir at first, but his face does scrunch up - the manifestation of his confusion. “Jinho, I’m not sure you’ve willingly worked out a day in your life. Why are you suddenly so interested?”

It’s true - Jinho _hates_ exercising. He almost hates himself for this idea already, but it’s too late. Hongseok has snapped out of his distraction, and now Jinho has got to deliver.

“I feel like I have so much energy, and I don’t know how else to show it! I know I don’t usually work out, but I really want to be more fit! I need your help, though; you’re the king of exercise.”

Hongseok’s eyes show a flash of excitement, but it’s gone before Jinho can even be excited about it. _It’s a start,_ Jinho grins, grabbing Hongseok by his wrist, “Show me how to do a push-up.”  
And they’re off to the gym.

Thirty minutes later, Jinho hates his _existence_ , fully realizing the depth of his mistake now. Jinho is on the minute and a half mark on his plank, and he’s tempted to drop, but Hongseok looks so damn happy. 

Jinho only lasts thirteen more seconds on his plank, but Hongseok looks thoroughly impressed, “For someone who doesn’t exercise, your stamina isn’t that bad.”

The older boy smiles, but it fades when Hongseok moves beside the pull-up bar. He grips the bar, slowly pulling himself up. Jinho is caught between watching the move and watching Hongseok’s arms because _damn_ , when did he even get so good-looking? He’s awestruck until Hongseok drops down and pats Jinho’s back, “Your turn.”

Jinho’s jaw drops, blinking once, quickly shaking his hands in front of him, “No no no no no! I mean... don’t you think it’s better if I work up to it? Maybe get my arms a bit stronger?”   
Hongseok nods, missing the excuse hidden in there, “Yes! We should build up your strength first. I think this first workout went well! We should work some more tomorrow.”

Hongseok shoots Jinho a smile that he hasn’t seen since before his anxiety worsened, and Jinho’s so relieved until Hongseok walks out. Then he realizes he’s signed himself up for an exercise program with Hongseok. 

\--

“What the actual hell is wrong with Wooseok?” Kino asks Yuto from the doorway, leaning against the doorframe of the practice room. 

“Great to see you, too, Hyunggu,” Yuto furrows his eyebrows, sitting on the floor after his practicing, “I don’t know. Maybe you could, I don’t know, ask him yourself.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Hyunggu sighs, stepping forward to sit beside Yuto, “I asked him where he was going because he was leaving his dorm, and he told me to fuck off.”

Yuto chokes as he sips his water, shaking his head, “That’s not like him. At all. I’ve been talking to him, trying to get him to open up, and... nothing.” 

“Yeah, I can relate,” Kino gives a side-glare at Yuto, but buries his face into his forearm, “I miss how we were before this mess.”

“Pentagon isn’t Pentagon without all ten of us,” Yuto nods, staring at his untied shoelace.

_I meant you and me, you oblivious idiot_ , Hyunggu sighs, but he knows Yuto is right. 

“We’re falling apart, aren’t we?” Kino pops his head up at Yuto’s question, a frown taking over his face. 

“Hyojong can’t sleep more than three hours without having a nightmare. Hwitaek puts on a fake smile and pretends he can handle all of this because he’s our leader. Hongseok is having mental breakdowns every day, and Jinho growls at you if you even look at him wrong. Changgu and Yanan haven’t been seen other than at mealtime. Wooseok... I don’t even know about Wooseok. And you,” 

Yuto sighs.

“I’ve missed you more than anything. And I haven’t been able to say anything because you won’t ever talk to me. You’ve isolated yourself, and I fucking miss you.”

Hyunggu feels tears stinging his eyes, and he hides his face again, “You ever stop to think that there’s a reason for that? Ever think that maybe, I don’t want to think about who else we’re going to lose?

“I could lose you, Yuto-yah, and it’s not fair. I think you know why I’ve been absent. After Shinwon was cut, this group became a car crash. The wreck is about to happen, but you just can’t look away.”

Yuto almost can’t believe Kino’s words until he notices a tear fall from his eye. Then his words hit.  
 _I could lose you._

“Kino,” Yuto sniffles as his own tears come, “you always have me.”

\--

It’s midnight, and Wooseok is at the dock. He should be home, in bed, _asleep_ , but realistically, he knows sleep wouldn’t greet him. He’s already crying, and he sounds fucking pitiful, but he can’t stop himself from what he does next. 

The ringing sobers him up a little, and then the noise causes him to realize what he’s done. 

Shinwon appears on his screen, hair messy and eyes puffy from crying, bags present from sleeplessness, “Wooseok? Is it really you?”

Wooseok freezes, his eyes almost so overwhelmed by tears that he can barely see. He blinks away his tears, his face slightly contorted from trying not to cry more, “Shinwon.”

“It’s been two weeks, Wooseok. Not a single text? No calls? I started to think I had dreamt you, dreamt the whole thing. I thought it was a hallucination. Maybe this _is_ a hallucination, but I...  
I’m so happy to see you.”

Wooseok can’t take it, the guilt of ignored texts and missed calls, and the tears come. His phone drops slightly to reveal the streetlights behind him, and Shinwon gasps, “Wooseok, you’re outside?! It’s freezing outside. Where are you?” 

“The dock.” Wooseok doesn’t really mean to tell him. He’s so weak, though, and he needs to hear Shinwon’s voice.

Wooseok doesn’t notice until Shinwon’s in a taxi that he’s made a mistake, “Shinwon, I can’t see you. I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have called.”

“No, Wooseok, you stay right there. I’m on my way. You’re so far from the company, Wooseok. How did you even walk that far?”

“How did you know I walked?”  
“You always hated taxis.”

Wooseok flinches when he hears the door close, when he hears the footsteps in a ridiculously fast sprint in his direction. He’s shivering, but then he has two arms around him, and he _stops_. Shinwon is holding Wooseok as he cries, and it isn’t until they get back to Shinwon’s room that they make eye contact.

“Why did you say it’s a mistake?” Shinwon tries to clean up, but it’s been two weeks of misery and throwing things and there’s no way Wooseok is actually paying attention to the state of his room.

“Because I have to go back eventually,” he stares at the wall, trying not to look at Shinwon for too long, “and you won’t be there.”

Shinwon swallows hard, and there’s the eighth round of crying for the day, “Did you think about how it’s been for me?”

Wooseok’s composure collapses when he catches a glimpse of Shinwon’s lip trembling, and he can’t help it. He kisses Shinwon like he’s the only thing keeping him alive. This kiss wasn’t like their first one - it’s hungry and salty (tears don’t taste great), but Shinwon holds Wooseok’s face like it’s the only thing keeping Shinwon on this plane of reality. They don’t stop until they can’t breathe anymore, until they’re so physically exhausted from kissing that all they can do is hold each other. There’s no way in hell they’re letting go.


	4. sunrises and bitter thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!! I'M SO, SO, SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE THIS. I just got my associate's degree in history, which required some pretty hardcore concentration on my part (I had six classes this semester lol). I'm sincerely sorry, but I *promise* I'll update more often now that the summer is here~~~~ Please tell me what you guys think! It's the only thing keeping me going <3 
> 
> You can find me on twitter @uwujunhao <3

The alarm clock didn’t do the job, so it’s Hongseok who wakes Jinho. Hongseok isn’t particularly gentle about it, his excitement too obvious as he roughly pushes on Jinho’s shoulders. He’s already in his tracksuit pants and his plain white t-shirt, the short sleeves rolled up halfway. Jinho’s confused: how did a plain white shirt perfectly show off everything Jinho shouldn’t be thinking about? Even his arms stood out in the shirt, his biceps making Jinho think sinful thoughts. He peeks at his clock: 7:12 AM.

“Practice is canceled today, hyung, but we should start early!”

Jinho hates himself.

After Jinho’s dressed, Hongseok grabs his arm, almost _running_ to the gym. _Who even does that?_ , Jinho laments to himself, but Hongseok is so damn happy. What’s the worst that could happen?

Hongseok says they’ll start with 50 jumping jacks to warm up. Jinho hates the jumping jacks. He feels himself losing his dignity as he throws his arms up 

Hongseok’s more alive now than he’s been in weeks, but Jinho can’t feel the same. He would honestly rather jump into a volcano than do another sit-up, but Hongseok is holding his knees and is so cute when he asks, “Are you going to give up on me now?! It’s been a week, hyung, and look at the progress you’ve made! You seem the most motivated out of all the members!” 

Jinho bites his tongue to avoid telling his secret, _I just wanted to make you smile again_ , “I haven’t given up, Hongseokkie. I just need a second.”

“Try ten more sit-ups. Then we can take a 5-minute break, okay?” Hongseok is really pushing his luck, but Jinho is _whipped_ ; he’s so whipped that he doesn’t realize he’s sitting up again - then he’s back down. After the ninth sit-up, Hongseok’s arms wrap around Jinho’s knees once more and stretches his neck forward as Jinho sits up. Hongseok’s nose softly bumps Jinho’s as he verbalizes it with a “boop”, which makes Jinho laugh so hard that he falls back down - almost forgetting his exhaustion. Almost.

Hongseok is quick to his feet, grabbing Jinho’s hand as he pulls him up. The older boy grabs his water, gulping it down as soon as the coolness reaches his mouth. “Ah, don’t drink it too fast! You’ll get sick! Take small gulps; you’re not a fish, hyung,” Hongseok winks as he finishes his joke, and Jinho nearly chokes. _Hongseok has to stop doing this to me,_ he thinks. Then Hongseok smiles. All Jinho can do is sigh, failing to keep his feelings for Hongseok out of his heart and off his mind. He fails to hold back the smile that tries to reach his lips. He thinks he might be in love.

He still hates exercising. 

\--

Hyojong is still asleep when Hwitaek gently taps his shoulder. He smells the surprise before he even sees it; when his eyes open, he sees Hui sitting facing him with his legs crossed, a tray with two meals on it. “I brought food.”

Hyojong notices the light coming into the room, too bright for 5 AM, and he picks up his phone - 8:15 AM.

“Hwitaek, we’re _so_ late for practice. Why did you let me sleep in this much?” Hyojong sits up quickly, about to get out of bed when Hui places his hand on Hyojong’s knee, giving him one of those bright smiles that reaches his eyes, one of those smiles that places such warmth in Hyojong’s chest. “I had them cancel practice today due to sickness. You _are_ sick, right, Hyojongie?” 

One confused look and two raised eyebrows later, an understanding is reached. Hyojong graciously takes one plate from Hui’s lap and doesn’t notice Hui not eating until he’s three bites in, “You okay?”

A blush creeps into Hwitaek’s cheeks, and he immediately looks down to his plate and takes a quick bite of his own food. Hyojong places his hand over Hui’s knee, tilting his head down to try to see Hwitaek’s face, “Hey, answer me. Are you okay?”

Hui slowly brings his eyes to look at his knee, placing his hand on Hyojong’s, “I’m perfectly fine, Hyojongie! Don’t worry for me, okay?” 

He raises his head to meet Hyojong’s eyes, a grin naturally spreading across his face. Hyojong turns his palm up, intertwining his fingers with Hui’s, if only for a second, then forces himself to pull away, a shy smile crossing his lips. They eat the rest of the meal in silence. As soon as Hui finishes, he grabs Hyojong’s empty plate, halfway out the bedroom door before Hyojong stops him, “Thank you for the food, Hwitaek. You’re the best.”

 

Hui gives Hyojong his infamous smile, walking quickly to clear the dishes. Hui almost breaks the dishes as he throws them into the sink, basically running back to the bedroom - slowing down right before he reaches the door. Hyojong is curled back up in the bed, comfortable and carefree; it makes Hui’s heart fly to see him like this - covered with his fluffy white comforter, his facial expression not nearly as heavy as usual. Hwitaek nods once, excusing himself from the room, “Ah, I’ll leave you.”

“Don’t.” 

That’s all Hwitaek hears from the cracked door, although it sounds more like a question than a demand. He peeks back into the room, and Hyojong wordlessly motions to the empty side of the bed, where Hui had fallen asleep earlier. 

Hui knows he shouldn’t. He knows he can’t risk someone seeing, can’t risk ruining their sleeping pattern. More than that, Hui knows he can’t risk feeling what he felt earlier. He can’t allow himself to feel his chest fill with warmth because of Hyojong’s arms wrapping around him. Hwitaek sighs. He knows he never really had a choice. He crawls into bed, keeping a distance from Hyojong, not missing the disappointment dash across Hyojong’s eyes. Hyojong really doesn’t mean to - he’s afraid of rejection, especially at this point. He’s terrified of what would happen if he let the truth be known, if he told Hui how he felt. He’s terrified of what would happen if he kept making bottom three. He’s scared, that’s all. That’s what he tells himself as he wraps his arms around the other boy, pulling Hui against his chest. Hwitaek can feel the air get stuck in his lungs, the lump forming in his throat - but then he feels a soft kiss on his forehead. Then his eyes close. Then he lets himself fall. 

\-- 

 

“No practice today!” Changgu greets Yanan as he opens his eyes, turning over in his bed. Yanan’s attempt to sleep some more is foiled when Changgu crawls into the bed, pushing at Yanan’s shoulder, “Did you not hear me? No practice!”

“Yes, I heard you! Why do you think I’m trying to go back to sleep?” Yanan tries to sound annoyed, but he fails, knowing he could never be mad at Changgu. He peeks an eye open to see the other boy pouting above him, his hands cutely clasped against his knee, “But Yananie, we have the whole day to adventure, to have some fun! We’ve been so stressed out, and I want you to destress.” 

“Changgu. My friend, my pal. It is 8 AM. There is plenty time to destress when I’m actually _awake_. Why don’t you sleep, too?” Yanan tries to roll over, but Changgu sets his arms on either side of Yanan, trapping him, “But the sun is out, Yananie. How will I sleep when it’s such a beautiful day?”

For a second, Yanan forgets to breathe. Changgu is so close that his breath is tickling Yanan’s neck, and Changgu is giving that look, those damn _eyes_ that Yanan keeps forgetting to be able to resist. Changgu’s eyes are like doors, separating where he is and where he wants to be. He wants to kiss him - to feel his lips on his own, feel Changgu’s spark run through his veins, to feel that warmth in every corner of his bloodstream, to feel his love in every inch of his heart. Changgu is the closest to heaven Yanan has ever felt, and it’s so hard to resist, so hard to keep himself in reality.

“Don’t you think it’s beautiful, Yanan?” 

Their eyes stay locked. Hesitantly, Yanan’s hand moves to Changgu’s cheek, rubbing his thumb against his skin softly, “Yeah.

You are.” 

There’s no telling who kisses who first. There’s no way of knowing how many directions the room is spinning, how high off the ground they are as their lips touch. Then it’s just them: no Pentagon Maker, no contest, no danger, no judgment, no loss no fear. Just love. In these seconds, they’re free. That’s all they can feel.

\--

Hyunggu wakes up in an unfamiliar bed, two all-too-familiar arms around his stomach. He checks his phone beside him, careful not to wake whoever was sleeping behind him - 8 AM. The alarm never went off, instead being silenced by a single text, “No group practice today due to sickness! Please rest well! We still have rooms open for individual practice! Please remember evaluations are Sunday.”

It was obvious to tell Hwitaek had written the text, with the exclamation points following every sentence but one. The one sentence.

_Evaluations are Sunday._

Hyunggu himself hadn’t been in much danger, but Yuto... He was bottom three last week. He didn’t earn a point, and it scared Hyunggu to think of how close Yuto had gotten. It made his blood boil to see them kill Yuto’s soul every week, to see him hide his tears when he messes up in practice. He would do anything to see Yuto happy, to see him smile every week instead of cry. If Yuto can’t debut...

 _I can’t think like that,_ Hyunggu tells himself, but he knows that it’s a possibility. They all knew what “evaluations” meant. It replaced the word no one wanted to hear - elimination. He lies in silence, listening closely to the soft breathing behind him, matching his own breaths to their rhythm. He doesn’t have to look to know who it is; he wasn’t even sure how he ended up in the bed, but he knew those arms. Yuto used to be so playful, wrapping his arms around Kino during show challenges, lying on the floor with him after practice, holding hands at arm’s length and talking for hours and hours until they lost sense of time. Since Shinwon’s cut, Yuto realized how real the threat of elimination was; he stripped himself of his playfulness, his seriousness and desire to debut slowly washing away the Yuto that Hyunggu knew, the one he loved. 

“I knew you were going to be okay, Kino. I wanted to work hard to make sure I could stay on. I wanted to always be with you.”

 

Hyunggu didn’t even notice Yuto wake up until the velvety words were whispered into his ear, goosebumps quickly filling up arms as the hair stood up on the back of his neck. His heart rate rose slightly, but Yuto pressed his forehead against Kino’s shoulder while tightening his arms around his waist. Hyunggu’s body suddenly felt like it was on fire, each inch tingling because of the reintroduction of the love he so badly missed. Yuto starts to say something, but instead chooses to convey his feelings through a barely-there kiss on Kino’s collarbone. It was soft, so soft that it felt like a feather barely grazed his skin, but Hyunggu could feel its impact lingering. Yuto finally speaks, “This could be a very bad decision, y’know.”

Hyunggu gently pulls Yuto’s hands off his body, flipping over in bed to face him. He doesn’t remember how to breathe anymore, too caught up in Yuto’s eyes to focus on his respiration. And suddenly, he smiles, slowly revealing his whitened teeth, happily pressing his forehead against Kino’s, where Kino whispers, “You’re the best bad decision I’ve ever made, Yuto.” 

“I just want to be close to you,” Yuto whispers, rubbing his nose softly against Kino’s, triggering a giggle, “I want to always be here, so I practiced. I lost myself, and I lost you. I will never put you through that again. I’ll always stay close to you because, as it turns out, I can’t stay away from you. I need your warmth, Hyunggu.” 

“I just need _you_ , Yuto.”

That’s all he needs to hear, and he leans forward, brushing his lips against Yuto’s before Yuto jumps, leaning back, “WOAH, I. Okay, okay, wait. _NO_ , Kino, don’t give me that face, just wait.”

Kino tries to wipe the disappointment off his face, but he can tell it isn’t working by Yuto’s face of distress.

“I’ve... I’ve never kissed anyone before. I don’t even know _how_ to kiss, and I don’t want you to have to deal with me figuring it out. I’ll probably be really bad, and I don’t want to make you feel like-”

Then Hyunggu’s had enough, and he leans forward, holding Yuto’s face in his hands. He pushes his lips against Yuto’s - _hard_ , but it’s all Kino can do to describe to Yuto how badly he needs this, needs _him_. Yuto hesitates, but softens up, sinking into this kiss - inexperienced, but allowing Hyunggu to show him the way. His mouth opens slightly, matching Kino’s open mouth, and they find a rhythm, slow and sweet and not at all representative of how desperate they both felt. There was plenty of time for that, Yuto thinks. For now, this is all he needs.

\--

It’s 3 AM when Wooseok sneaks back into the dorm, curious as to why his shared bedroom with Yuto is empty. He didn’t mean to leave Shinwon, especially while he was sleeping, but he shouldn’t have even gone to Shinwon to begin with. It was a mistake, although he promised he’d see him again soon. Shinwon said they’d work it out, find a way around the schedule, be together again. Wooseok knows that would never work, though. _Shinwon’s always too optimistic; he wants to believe that we’ll be together like nothing ever happened, as if we could ever be normal._ Wooseok can’t sleep, no matter how dark it is in the room. He used to say all of their names over and over again, all 10, but he can’t anymore. The night Shinwon left, they sat beneath the stars, holding each other as if it were their last moments. _And they should’ve been_ , Wooseok thinks, angry at himself for going to Shinwon, for wishing they could be together when he’s practicing, when eliminations are coming up and he can barely care. He thinks of how his foot bounced when Shinwon told him how he felt, when he told Wooseok that he wanted to make him the happiest he had ever been. How Shinwon laughed when Wooseok said he already did. _I think too much,_ Wooseok thinks. It’s a bitter memory, and he can taste it on his tongue.


	5. and the minutes tick away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lil bit of yikes in here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This is a really shitty update, and I've been so absent from writing. I've been kind of having a hard time, so I need to post this and get it out of my face, like, now. I'll go back through and edit this more at a later time, but I just need to get this out there! I have four (yes, four!) new fanfictions that I want to write, but I feel obligated to get this and Miles updated before I post the others. Again, I'm so sorry for being inactive, and I'm even more sorry that my writing style has degraded so much in this one. Not entirely sure what's going on with my writing, but I hope you guys enjoy this anyway!! I appreciate your patience and time so, so much!!
> 
> ps: harass me on twitter! @uwujunhao

“Tell Shinwon I said ‘hi’.”

Wooseok freezes, unable to move or think or breathe. He knows he didn’t tell Yuto, and he knows Yuto couldn’t figure out his phone password. He can _feel_ Yuto’s smirk burning through his back, and when he turns around, it’s lingering on Yuto’s lips.

“How-”

“It’s in your eyes, Wooseokie. I can tell. I’m sure no one else can, but I know you.”

Yuto motions to the space in front of him on his bed, and Wooseok hates that he immediately sits down, turning to face his best friend. 

“Do you remember the fight Jinho and Hongseok had? And Hongseok was so torn up, but even through the pain, he smiled when he said Jinho’s name. I see the pain you show us; it’s like the one we all wear. But your eyes... you’ve seen him. I don’t know how many times, but I know you’re torn. He isn’t here, and it hurts. But it must be so good to see him... Is he well?” Yuto’s voice softens near the end, his eyebrows coming together slightly in hopes of good news. 

“He looked fucking awful, Yuto. The first night, he was the biggest mess I’ve ever seen. He’s gotten better, at least keeping things clean in his room for when I come over. But he didn’t smile like he used to. The last time I saw him, he looked _so happy_ , and it made me hopeful. Maybe he started to heal, but he said he couldn’t tell me what’s going on and his smile faded. It hurt more than anything to see his happiness go away again. He looks so excited when I give updates on the members. He truly loves you all, too. ” 

Yuto nods slowly, probably soaking up the new information. He tilts his head slightly, staring into the blanket pattern, searching for what to say. No one had been confirmed as a member of Pentagon, so Yuto wasn’t technically safe yet. Hyunggu was so talented - he would almost definitely make it... but the thought of losing Hyunggu pushed him to ask a question he knows he shouldn’t’ve, “How did it feel to lose him?”

“It... kind of feels like a heart transplant,” Wooseok says almost immediately, to Yuto’s surprise. He knows he had pushed a button, but Wooseok had been holding it in for so long. It was time to talk. “You're alive. You’re breathing. Blood is pumping through your heart, but it isn't right. This isn't your heart. It feels out of place. That's how it's felt ever since he left. I gave him my heart, and all I have left is a shell. It's functioning, but it doesn't work. I can't explain it.”

Yuto sighed, reaching for Wooseok’s hand. He pats it softly, trying to hide the emotions taking over his brain. “I know you’re hiding it, and you’re doing a really good job at it. When Hyunggu asked me why you told him to fuck off, I knew immediately what was wrong. I just told him you were being a brat, but I knew you were seeing him. You haven’t asked me where I’ve been sleeping for the past three days.”

Wooseok can’t bring himself to look Yuto in the eyes, but he can feel Yuto’s smile. It makes him stifle a chuckle, and he glances up to Yuto, “Where have you been sleeping the past three days?”

“Yah, don’t change the topic!” Yuto can’t help but laugh, gently hitting Wooseok on the shoulder. Yuto drops his head, his smile fading the tiniest bit, “But I am worried, Wooseokie. How long can you keep this up? You’ve been returning home at 2 or 3 in the morning. You haven’t been sleeping. If we make it, what about our promotions, tours - we’ll be so busy. Have you thought everything through? Will it be fair to either of you to keep seeing each other like this - sneaking out late at night, barely sleeping, not interacting at all with the hyungs for fear they’ll figure it out - when you’ll barely have time in the future?”

Wooseok doesn’t answer - he _can’t_ answer. He knows that it doesn’t matter if he says ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Something would be ruined either way. If he tries to make it work, he’ll be risking his entire career - everything for which he fought so hard. If he ends things with Shinwon, he loses the only person he’s ever loved. Wooseok thinks he’d rather die than choose, but that it’ll soon be time to make that decision. 

“Whatever you decide,” Yuto starts, standing slowly and giving a final squeeze to Wooseok’s hand, “make sure you’re careful. I love you, bro. We’ll be here for you when you’re ready.”

When the door closes behind Yuto, the first tear falls down Wooseok’s cheek. He tries not to feel the ones that follow. 

\--  
His heart stopped when he had looked up at the window that he knew was Shinwon’s, swallowing down fear in hopes that maybe courage would surface. It never did.

“Hey, babe! I wasn’t really expecting you. Is everything okay?”

Shinwon’s arms immediately reach around Wooseok’s waist, hidden beneath the oversized hoodie that Shinwon bought him. Wooseok’s lips instinctively press against Shinwon’s forehead, and all Wooseok can do is close his eyes and hope that he can get it together long enough to do this. For a second, he thought he could, but now Shinwon was in his arms, and it felt _so right_. Wooseok was a coward. He was weak, and he knew he would hate himself for this decision for a long, long time to come. At least for the foreseeable future, whatever that possibly holds. His moment of weakness, calling Shinwon that night when he should’ve just gone to sleep - it cost him so much, and now it would hurt so much more. It’s on his _own terms_ , which is worse. So, so, so much worse. The ache in Wooseok’s bones returns when he grabs Shinwon’s arms and makes him let go of his waist. Shinwon still has that smile on his face - that beautiful smile that Wooseok fell for so, so long ago - and Wooseok hates himself for being the reason it disappears. 

“I can’t.”

Shinwon’s smile doesn’t fade immediately. It only falters, taking seconds to flicker and then fade. He doesn’t ask what Wooseok means. The admission was tacit, or at least Wooseok hopes so. He doesn’t want to have to say it. He doesn’t want to tell Shinwon that he can’t be with him. If they were both honest, they never really _could_ be together. They blinded themselves with deep 10 PM kisses and even deeper midnight conversations. They were mimicking the ones they used to have on the doorstep to their dorm when they’d watch the stars. But that was then, and this was the moment they never accounted for. 

“Wooseok,” Shinwon starts, but he doesn’t finish. Wooseok shakes his head, furious at himself for letting it get to this point - letting himself break Shinwon’s heart. “Come sit with me. Just for a few moments.” 

Wooseok doesn’t move away from the door, nor does he let Shinwon’s soft voice work on him. He thinks about how it feels, crawling into bed at 3 AM, his alarm set for a few hours later. He doesn’t even find sleep some nights. He watches the minutes click away on his phone, and he turns over once every five minutes. He can’t get comfortable, but he knows it isn’t because it’s too hot in their dorm. It’s because his bed isn’t the one he wants to be in. “I know that you can figure it out, Shinwon. I can’t stay.”

“Wooseok, you don’t _realize_ , and I’m sorry that I can’t tell you. Things could be better, baby. I just can’t prove it to you.” 

“Then why even bring it up, Shinwon? You know our situation isn’t about to change, and I can’t split myself into two. You’ll be okay. If I have any sort of faith or belief in someone on this planet, baby, it’s you.”

The sound that leaves Shinwon’s lips is the same one from that night. The night they should’ve been done. In the show, Shinwon said he was no longer Pentagon’s Shinwon, but Wooseok knew what that entailed. He was no longer Wooseok’s Shinwon, and he was a fool for thinking he had the capability of reversing that. 

“I wish I could tell you.” 

“Whatever you need to tell me, Shinwon, do it now.”

His bottom lip trembles, and he bites it to keep it still, fully aware that it wouldn’t work. Shinwon tilts his head down, refusing to let Wooseok see the tears that are slipping down his cheek. “I love you.” 

Wooseok knows Shinwon means it and that he has no intention of hurting Wooseok, but Wooseok winces as the final sentence is injected into his veins like poison.   
“I’m sorry that I loved you more.” 

The silence doesn’t end after Wooseok closes the door behind him, doesn’t end when he reaches the door of the dorm. It doesn’t end when he enters his bedroom - Yuto’s bed empty - and he pulls out his phone. 10:30 PM. The hours pass, and Wooseok never sleeps. He doesn’t even cry until 2:09, when he realizes his hoodie smells like him. 

But he’s gone now, just like the chances of Wooseok getting any sleep. He watches the minutes tick away. 

\--

“Alright, losers, idiots, and everyone in-between, Hongseok is _cooking_ , and we are going to sit down like normal human beings, and we are going to _feast_.”

“What Yuto _meant_ to say,” Hyunggu smacks Yuto’s hand off the two bedroom door knobs that he’s holding and peeks in to see Wooseok in one room and Changgu and Yanan in the adjacent, “we’re having a group dinner. It’ll be ready in about twenty minutes.” 

Yuto pushes Hyunggu slightly and mumbles something that sounds like “quit ruining my image” as they retreat down the hallway. “Do you think they’ll come?” Hyunggu whispers to Yuto, rubbing his hands together anxiously. He stops at the edge of the hallway, just before they can reach the kitchen. Yuto’s hands slide over Hyunggu’s, holding them still. It’s a firm, but warm gesture, and Hyunggu’s smile almost takes over his face.

“Yanan and Changgu? Yes. Wooseok? I’m not so sure. I don’t think the guy is honestly breathing anymore, so we’ll have to see.” 

Yuto allows one hand to drop, the other still intertwined with Hyunggu’s, and he leads them into the kitchen. Hyunggu lets out a gasp - _a very audible gasp_ \- once it’s apparent to him that Hongseok and Jinho were dancing to “Ice Cream Cake”. _Without him_. “I don’t know how you think we can ever be a team when you listen to girl groups without me. Obviously you don’t have my best interests in mind.”

“Hyunggu, not telling you about this was in _our_ best interests. You have a great voice, Kino, but not when it comes to girl groups. You become possessed,” Jinho steals a glance at Yuto, who’s threatening to crack a smile. He knows Hyunggu will hit him if he catches Yuto laughing. He tries his best to avoid it, but he can’t seem to stop it once it reaches his chest. The soft giggle rises in him and escapes, causing a dirty look from Hyunggu who promptly smacks Yuto’s arm. “Hyunggu, you know I’m right. Remember when you were listening to “Pick Me”, and you tore up the living room so badly that it took all ten of us THIRTY minutes to make it presentable again?” 

Hongseok was nearly on the ground from laughing, and Jinho had to stop himself before he absolutely lost it himself. Seeing Hongseok laugh like this was _incredible_ , and Jinho had the best feeling going into this dinner. He was convinced - no one would tear them apart tonight. 

“Let me set the table, Jinho-hyung!” Changgu bursts out, gently tiptoeing around Yuto and Hyunggu to grab the plates and bowls. A smile plasters itself across Changgu’s face, and Yanan seems to relax at the sight of it. Yanan’s hand falls on Yuto’s shoulder as he passes by, leaning in quickly to whisper something into his ear. Yuto smiles back softly, and he nods to show his understanding. It echoes in his mind. _We’re still here. Let’s appreciate this more._ It’s all Yuto can do to avoid thoughts on Shinwon, to think about how he deserved to be here. Yuto steals a glance toward Hyunggu, who’s talking to Jinho about an inside joke from their last mission. Yuto didn’t get to be in their group, and it laid heavy on his mind that they had already been separated like that. Suddenly Hyunggu laughs, and Yuto’s brought back to the kitchen. Hongseok is laughing at a ridiculous conversation between Huitaek and Hyojong - who Yuto definitely did _not_ see come in - and Changgu is mercilessly going on about Harry Styles to Yanan, who seems more than content to be listening to the rambling Korean in front of him. They almost seemed... functional. They were never _normal_ , but they were functional. 

Hongseok turns to whisper something in Hui’s ear, who promptly stands on one of the chairs to bring the attention to himself. It didn’t work at first, but Hyojong _screeches_ , and in the moment of silence everyone takes before they get onto Hyojong, Hui announces that dinner is ready and that they should all take their seats. After they’ve finished sitting, Hongseok and Changgu begin setting the dishes onto the table, the rest of the group making a variety of noises at the sight. For example, Hui sends out a “wooooaah” while Hyojong goes “wheeeeeeee”. Hyunggu looks amazed, not realizing just how much food had been made, and Yanan wipes an imaginary tear from his eye. Hongseok sets the last dish down, but it doesn’t feel complete. The air shifts the slightest bit - just enough to be uncomfortable - and they collectively notice the empty seat at the table. They’re all too nervous to mention Wooseok, but Hyunggu stands up to go find him anyway. “He’s part of us, too. We’re a family, and we all eat family dinner.”

Before Hyunggu can push his chair in, Wooseok appears in the doorway. “Am I still invited?”

His voice is weak, small. It looks like he’s struggling to stand, but Yuto holds his hand out to the empty chair beside him. His smile is small, but it’s genuine and so, so warm, and Wooseok wishes he could wrap himself inside the safety that fills his chest at the gesture. 

“Just in time as always, Wooseokie,” Jinho’s seated beside his empty chair. He sends Wooseok a smile, holding out his hand. _Truce_ , it says. Wooseok inhales a little too deeply, but grabs his hand anyway. “I’m always where I need to be, aren’t I?”

Hongseok’s face immediately flashes in relief, and Jinho can finally fucking breathe again. Hongseok had been so worried about no one showing, but everyone came. _Thank fuck_.

A little “ah” can be heard from down the table, and Hui stands up. All eyes come to him as he holds his glass nervously, clearing his throat in an attempt to find his voice. 

“Friends, let me just say, I’m... really glad we all made it tonight.”

A silence sweeps over the group, but a silent understanding reaches all of them. _It’s the first time they’ve come together outside of the program since Shinwon left._ No one dares to breathe. The moment is too tense, but too needed. 

“We’ve all worked so hard, and I’m very lucky to be in your company. You’re all valuable members-” and Hui can tell it was the wrong wording. They weren’t members yet, and the table somehow tightens up. The air becomes a little heavier, and he chooses his next words carefully.

“But more importantly, you’re very valuable friends. None of us have had it easy, but I’m glad we can all be together in this moment. All of you are irreplaceable, and I will always be proud to be your Hwitaek. It’s amazing to see the improvements in this group of people, and you’ve all proven to be remarkable vocalists, dancers, rappers, teammates. Let’s stay together!”

It’s Hyunggu and Hyojong that clap the loudest - going so far as to have a contest to see who will clap last - but the rest of the members acknowledge his words. 

“I propose a toast,” Hwitaek lifts his glass of water, nodding maturely, “to Pentagon.”

Yanan and Changgu can’t stifle the laughter at the sight of Hwitaek toasting with water, but they all stand together anyway.

“My teammates, I love you all. To Pentagon!”

“Pentagon, fighting!”

The chorus of cheers and laughter rings through the otherwise empty dorm, and they all sip their drinks. Only four of them were drinking something that wasn’t water, but they drank all the same. 

\--

“What are your biggest fears?”

Changgu’s natural MC ability comes in handy, not allowing a single awkward silence to reach their ears. Hyojong immediately says _something_ , although the group isn’t sure what he said through the ramen in his mouth. “I said ‘drowning’! I’ve heard it’s the worst way to die.”

“Can you not swim, Hyojongie?” Hongseok looks bewildered, and when Hyojong shakes his head, an amazed look falls onto his face. 

“I can teach you to swim!” the sentence makes its way through Hui’s smile that takes over his face. He stabs a piece of meat gently, about to raise it to his mouth when he goes, “I’ll show you every position I know!”

A collective groan of disgust falls over the group, and for the first time, Wooseok actually _laughs_. Jinho’s eyebrows come together as he yells “oh, come on” - and Yanan throws his hands up in the air, “There goes my dinner!”

 

“In other news-” a member tries to shift the conversation, and Hongseok is quick to take the hint, “I bet Yuto isn’t afraid of anything!”

“He’s afraid of ghosts and the dark!” Hyunggu is quick to correct Hongseok, which causes Yuto to choke on the meat he was _trying_ to chew. 

“You believe in ghosts?” Yanan raises his eyebrows at Yuto, who quips back, “at least I’m not afraid of amusement parks!”

“Hey, amusement parks are _real_ , and the rides are often scary! What if they break down while you’re in the air? You could be stuck. Actually stuck!”

“Why don’t you just go with me?” 

Changgu’s smile is so innocent, and Yanan can feel his ice cold heart _melt_ , “I’ll make sure nothing happens to you! I promise!”

“And what about you, Hongseok? You’ve been too busy eating! Tell us your biggest fear!” Hyunggu throws his sentence across the table, making sure to include everyone in the conversation. The air was so light now with the casual conversations. Food could truly bring everyone together. Or so they thought. 

“I really fear losing someone I love.”

Yuto’s eyes widen in shock, dropping his fork unintentionally. Hyunggu flinches, but it’s not at the sound of the knife. He flinches because everyone has suddenly stopped looking up, and Jinho purposefully turns his head away from Wooseok. It’s clear as soon as they heard the sniffle, and a small “sorry” right before the sound of the chair moving back. Wooseok escapes to his bedroom, but not before gaining the attention of Jinho, who chases after him. Yuto stands quickly and almost follows, but Hyunggu places a hand on Yuto’s arm. They both hold Hongseok and help him reach the living room, where it isn’t as crowded. They sit him down, and Yanan brings a bottle of water. It’s not much, Yuto thinks, but it’s a start. Changgu kneels in front of Hongseok, taking his hands in his own, “We haven’t done much to show you how much we love you, Hongseok-hyung, but we love you. We all love you so much. We just need you to breathe for us, is that okay?” 

Jinho catches Wooseok right before the door shuts, and he forces his way in. Wooseok hates how numb his body has gone, how cold it suddenly feels, but Jinho can’t sense it, “Wooseok, what the hell is all this about? Is this about Shinwon? We ALL miss him, Wooseok. There’s no need for you to be such an ass about it. We didn’t cause this.”

Wooseok really doesn’t intend to be so bitter, to snap the way he does, but he’s so sick of acting okay when he just needs to explode. So he does. 

“What do you all have to be so damn upset about? I was the one in love with him. He was the love of my fucking life. You are a ‘fan favorite’. You know you’re fucking safe. You know the public wants to see Hongseok debut. You both get to be together. You _get to keep_ your love. I lost mine. So back up, Jinho.”


End file.
